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Glad to have this finished! And I'm happy with this one too, maybe the pacing is a bit fast, but that's just a quicker read.
A story of a poor soul floating through the ocean until they come across someone kind enough to help out.
This was originally based of a discord roleplay I did with bigwyrmenergy a month or so back. I changed quite a few plot elements and the dialogue should be all new.
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Posted by LivesInAStomach 1 year ago Report
Your writing is very promising. You've got a great grasp on narrative structure, your dialogue is good, and you write first-person perspective well.
If I had one piece of feedback? You often attributed dialogue using colons (i.e., when you wrote, "She let out a little chuckle in response, then said:") and it often takes me out of the story. Books and stories don't use colons to give attributions, speakers, and verbs to dialogue—they weave them into the prose naturally.
That's a very small thing, though! Overall, I really liked the story. Please keep writing and improving.
Posted by Ender9107 1 year ago Report
I appreciate your feedback, specifically your criticism. I was on track to repeat that mistake, so this couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you.
Posted by LivesInAStomach 1 year ago Report
You're welcome!
Posted by Ender9107 1 year ago Report
It took me a while to decide whether I should disturb the past or not, but I went and cleaned up the story quite a bit. It's factually better now, and it was fun to come back to a story like that. It feels like I've learned so much these past few weeks.
Posted by LivesInAStomach 1 year ago Report
That's so great! It's always a good feeling to know you're improving.
Posted by skorpio 1 year ago Report
Just got around to reading this story, and I enjoyed it! It's a tall order to turn an RP into a short story like this, and I think you did pretty well with it.
Posted by IddlerItaler 8 months ago Report
Good story. I enjoyed the grim beginning and the way it was rewarded by an uplifting end, like the light at the end of a tunnel.
I do like the idea of predators having multiple stomachs, with the upper one being generally safer. I imagine most merfolk would have two stomachs, but I can see giantesses and fantasy bipedals like our siren lady also having two.