Peach in Peril: Desert Dilemma
 
As she gazed out across the endless expanse of the Sub-Con desert, the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom decided
that this time, she was right.
 
The amount of time Princess Peach had spent in captivity at the hands of King Bowser Koopa was a source of much
embarrassment, but if any good had come of it, it had given Peach an extensive education in the megalomaniacal
mindset of the world-conquering evil-doer. When Mario had told Luigi, Toad and Peach about the plea for help he
had received in his dreams from the people of Sub-Con, Peach jumped at the chance to help with the rescue- she
had always wanted to take part in an adventure as an active participant rather than the passive goal, but more
to the point, she wanted to put what she had learned to the test- getting into the mind of the giant, hideous
frog Wart, bent on world domination, who had banished the gentle folk of Sub-Con to parts unknown.
 
"And if I were a giant, hideous frog bent on world domination," she concluded, "this desert's definitely where
I would've sent them."
 
The desert was the most uninviting and unappealing terrain she'd seen this side of Bowser's Dark World. Actually,
it might even be worse- aside from all the tanks, battleships and flying fortresses, the Dark World really wasn't
all THAT bad. Truly, the most uninviting and unappealing part was its ruler.
 
Apparently, Mario had taken that statement as an indication that Peach was volunteering to search the desert. He
struck out for the snowy northern territories, Toad took the western woods, Luigi made for the grasslands of the
east (probably because it was the area closest to the portal back to the Mushroom Kingdom), and... well, here she
was.
 
After two hours in the desert, Peach decided that she'd had enough of the dress. Pink satin was all well and good
for ruling kingdoms in, but under the harsh Sub-Con sun, Peach dropped the entire ensemble in favor of her
swimsuit. She had packed for any eventuality- including a water world or two. She hadn't foreseen a need for
sandals, unfortunately, and if she felt a little silly for traversing the desert in her pink high-heels, it was
worth it to keep the scalding sands off her delicate soles.
 
As she traversed deeper into the desert, she started to develop a knack for besting its inhospitable denizens and
unique challenges. Bullet-spitting Cobrats, flame-spewing Panzers, and freaky Pokeys tried their best to stop her
progress- and of course, those masked Shyguy thugs were everywhere. But the desert itself was perhaps her most
fearsome foe; certainly the unrelenting heat was a major factor, but more than once, she'd entered a cave or
pyramid only to find that she had to burrow deep into the loose sand of the desert to progress further.
 
And, of course, there was the matter of all that quicksand. Quicksand pits were absolutely everywhere. She had
been more than a bit nervous the first time she found herself knee-deep in the shifting sands, as the desert tried
to pull her into itself, but soon enough she'd worked out a method for surmounting this challenge. In most cases,
she didn't even need to deal with the quicksand directly; a quick hop onto a nearby cactus (or the bleached bones
of unidentifiable creatures that hadn't been as fortunate as herself), followed by a long, floating jump across
the pit, and she was in the clear.
 
Unfortunately, the pit of flowing earth presently before her offered very little in the way of stepping-stones. No,
it looked like she was going to have to get dirty.
 
She backed up several feet and, running as quickly as her heels would allow, leaped just as solid desert sand gave
way to murky quagmire. She floated across the mud as far as her few seconds of magical flight would allow, then
landed in the bog with a soggy "splurch," sinking almost immediately up to her calves in the mess.
 
Sub-Con quicksand seemed to operate on its own special set of rules. Of course, ordinary quicksand wouldn't try to
pull her further and further down until she disappeared completely; she'd need to thrash about in a panic for it to
pose any REAL threat. More importantly, Peach had found that she could safely traverse this weird hazard with a
series of short hops- a method that made absolutely no rational sense of course, but then, little in this whimsical
dreamscape hewed strictly to the rules of the waking world.
 
She slogged through the quicksand until she'd sunk to mid-thigh, then gave a couple of short hops. Almost
immediately, her feet were free again; once again, she leaped, floated for a few seconds, and landed with another
splurch.
 
Somewhere around her tenth repetition, Peach started to get tired- wading through thick, hungry mud wasn't the
easiest thing to do in the first place, let alone hopping through it. Soon, she found herself sinking deeper and
deeper before hopping back up to the surface.
 
After almost thirty minutes (which, to the exhausted Princess, felt more like thirty days), Peach spotted a strange,
reddish mound in the middle of the quicksand. The mound didn't seem to be sinking; maybe it was the tip of a rock
formation!
 
"Finally!" she sighed, happily. "A place to sit and catch my breath!"
 
She waded through the quicksand- now up to her thighs- with a renewed fervor. As she approached the rock, however,
it began to move. Suddenly, there were two small red rocks, then a third. The newest formation opened a pair of
round white eyes, blinked at her, and suddenly dove into the mud.
 
The thought occured to her just as she felt the snake encircle her tired, aching legs: "Ohh.... right. Cobrats
live in quicksand."
 
In moments, the Cobrat had her legs firmly snared; it wound its way up her hips and torso, pinning her left
arm to her side. The snake's quick movements also caused Peach to sink even further, pulling her in to her hips.
The snake began to squeeze; Peach used her free right hand to try and dislodge the Cobrat's coils from her torso
as she looked frantically about for its head. Either it was about to spit a bullet at her, or it was trying to eat
her!
 
She found the Cobrat's head hovering just above her left shoulder. It was staring at her with undisguised adoration.
Well, that was a relief, of sorts- apparently, the snake just wanted to give her a firm- maybe a little TOO firm-
hug. However, even if the Cobrat didn't intend her direct harm, its weight (and the struggle Peach was putting up to
free herself) had caused her to sink well past her waist; her breasts, threatening to pop loose from her bikini top,
now rested on the surface of the quicksand.
 
"Listen," gasped Peach- even at two syllables, the word was a little much for her constricted lungs- "you ARE kind
of cute, but you're really not my type- or species. Let go, please?"
 
The Cobrat was having none of it; it began to nuzzle her cheek, and gave her a quick, tight squeeze- enough to knock
most of the air out of her, and simultaneously pop the thin strings of her bikini top; she felt it tug as her chest
popped free. Her modesty remained intact, at least, since now only her shoulders, neck and head were visible above
the quicksand- along with the head of her unwanted boyfriend.
 
The spots dancing in her eyes from the snake's latest squeeze were starting to fade a bit- enough for Peach to notice
a long shadow falling over her. She glanced behind her only to see that she'd attracted the attention of another
suitor- a towering Pokey! It glided slowly across the surface of the quicksand towards her.
 
Now, this really was too much. Shoulder-deep- no, wait, make that chin-deep in quicksand, tangled up in an overly-
amorous reptile (who was now tickling Peach's ear with its forked tongue), and now her head was about to become a
cactus' pincushion. Between drowning, constriction and skewering, Peach opted for one last effort at freedom. Willing
her tired, tightly-bound legs to cooperate, she kicked for all she was worth, trying to work her body free of the
quicksand.
 
She managed to escape the Pokey by a very slim margin. Unfortunately for the imperiled princess, she did it by going
under it; the cactus ghoul glided over the spot where Peach's head used to be just as the last of the Princess' long,
blonde hair sucked down beneath the mud.
 
-----
 
Peach awoke with a start, but she didn't sit bolt-upright, as so commonly happens when one is yanked back to
consciousness from a very bad dream. As her senses gradually awoke, she found that the sheets of her massive royal
bed were wound tightly around her, encasing her in a pink, silken coccoon. She wriggled out of the sheets and sat up
on the edge of the bed to catch her breath.
 
Apparently, she had been having the most awful dream, though already it was fading from her memory. Something about
frogs and a desert full of pyramids, though she thought she'd done some swimming, too. And wasn't there something
about a snake...? She had thrashed around so much that her bed had come completely unmade- and, she noticed with a
slight flush, all but the bottom two buttons on her pajama shirt had come unbuttoned. She hastily buttoned herself
back up, straightened out her sheets, and nestled back into her still-warm bed. In moments, she was once again fast
asleep.
 
-----
 
As she gazed out across the endless expanse of the Sub-Con desert, the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom decided that
this time, she was right.