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A boy on a large group trip wakes from a strange dream to a strange thing happening, and takes the chance to go with the flow and take a chance he thought impossible.
I'm... not big on this one. It's probably the first piece I ever did digitally. It's honestly a fairly straightforward piece, and I can't place my finger on WHAT bothers me so much about it, but I wrote it and I can't really find a solid reason not to share it. So... here you go? Feel free to tell me what you think is wrong with it.
My last piece of backlog from before I opened my gallery, leaves me with... a piece I finished two days ago, a fair few incomplete projects, and a whole bunch of stuff to go in my CYA-style folder, which people seem to be liking... or reading, at least. I've basically been up late since I started a gallery, so somebody please yell at me to get some sleep because I'm not listening to myself very well.
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Posted by Randomdude5 1 year ago Report
The first problem the jumps out at me is the transition from sex to vore. How long did it take for the girl to fall asleep after she had her orgasm? I don't think she should have fallen asleep as soon as she orgasmed while sit sitting on him. Even if she did, she should have awoken when he pushed her off, or when he pulled her pants up.
Basically paragraph 5 doesn't make much sense to me. Sure same size vore is unrealistic, and realistically it would less of a suspension of disbelief for her to fall asleep and stay asleep right after she orgasmed.
To use an example to illustrate what I was thinking: It is more realistic for a bad guy in a fight scene to suddenly have a heart attack, than it is for a good guy to have superpowers, but the bad guy having a heart attack in the middle of a fight seems to convenient, and contrived.
I hope this was helpful.
Posted by PaperWriter 1 year ago Report
Thank you! I'm glad you're here to point out things that my brain just skips right over like that. Maybe if I go back, make it so he notices she was on drugs or drunk on something she snuck in... you know, something that might cause a person to do something wildly stupid/daring and then pass out hard? It wouldn't fix everything, but it might make it a little more conceivable...
I'm just glad it's so easy to edit and resubmit pieces on here.
And thankful for feedback, which I clearly need, cause half my writing happens in the middle of the night and who knows what my brain's doing then.
Posted by predlucyforhire 1 year ago Report
Yeah this was really good but one other thing is when does the POV character wake up? Wheres everyone else? How do they not notice the buldge?
(Could be answered that he was woken early with a pressure in his bowels)
Just a thought
Loved this keep going!
Posted by PaperWriter 1 year ago Report
I think him waking up early was the original thought, but I didn't really specify that in the writing, did I. Two chunks to fix now.
Thanks for the help!
Posted by Randomdude5 1 year ago Report
To go on a tangent, I think it would have been interesting if he wakes up in the morning, and the girl is still alive in his stomach, but starting to be digested. The camp counselors come over, and someone else tells what happened, because they woke up, and watched Emely James sit on the guy's face, then watched him eat her. The camp counselors tell the guy "Just keep Emely", and he gets to digest her. This would only work if vore is known about and casual.
I am not trying to be the "My idea is better than yours guy".
Posted by PaperWriter 1 year ago Report
That would be fun to write... I mean, at some point I' probably gonna just fully rewrite this story and repost an upgraded version. I keep getting sidetracked though so... well, it'll happen eventually. Probably leave this one up since people have fav'ed it though.
No worries about being "that guy," not on this piece. It's mostly here for the critique and the hope someone might like it.
Posted by Randomdude5 1 year ago Report
It depends on how much you want to change. If you just add in more details and clear up confusion about when Emely goes to sleep, and when the guy(I don't think his name is mentioned) wakes up, you could probably just edit this version of the story.
If you want to fully rewrite it, then some of the people who favorited this version, might actually like it better than the new version, even if the new version is better. That could happen if details in the story change, since people may have specific kinks. If you really like my idea, then I would suggest making it an alternate ending.
Posted by Houyo 1 year ago Report
Was a fun little read with a neat premise. I haven't read enough sleepy prey stories myself.
Posted by PaperWriter 1 year ago Report
Realized I totally forgot to reply to this, my bad.
Thanks! Sleepy prey are fun, especially if they wake up all confused in the belly. I mean, this one just gets digested, but it was still fun to mess around with!